Being a mom

I contemplated just putting this in my personal journal--mainly because I have a hard time being so open with my innermost thoughts and feelings and short-comings.  But I find it helpful when others share their experiences that I can relate to, so in case this might help someone else--at least help them to not feel like they are the only one.  

I love being a mom--it's what I've always wanted to be and I feel so blessed I can be home with our kids on a daily basis as a stay-at-home mom.  And I adore and love my children.  But it's tough work--always something to do, think about, worry about, plan for, with few breaks and not much recognition (I think my kids and perhaps my husband think their clothes just magically appear in their drawers--just kidding, sort of!).  There are times I struggle with it, feeling like I'm not doing a good enough job, feeling like I'm burnt out, wondering how in the world I will manage 4 little ones!  And often times I think how nice it will be "when they're older" and I'm not: changing diapers, vacuuming up crumbs from the family room they weren't supposed to be eating in...again, finding messes in rooms I just finished cleaning, tackling the endless laundry, battling over homework, etc.

But then I have moments like tonight when I was rocking Elise to sleep (and I'll admit most times by bedtime I've reached the end of my patience for the day and am so ready for a break--so I am usually frazzled, tired, cranky and rushing bedtime--especially for the boys, Elise being little gets rocked most nights by Jon or I, but even then most nights I hope she nods off quickly so I can have my little bit of quiet time!), but tonight as I was rocking her, she was looking up at me and smiling her sweet smile and touching my face and I was thinking...this is something I will miss.  I love being a mommy to my sweet baby girl (and my big boys too).  I love getting the chance to hold her and snuggle with her as she drifts off to sleep.  Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones making me especially tender about the experience tonight, but I cried as I sat there rocking her, thinking of what a privilege it is to be her mother.  And just wishing I could keep her little or at least bottle up the memory of rocking my baby girl to sleep.

So in contemplating how be a better mom--more patient, more loving, finding joy in the moment instead of wishing the time away, be the type of mom the Lord wants me to be in caring for His children, tonight I was reviewing my day and what I could have done different.  Ethan was packing his lunch and needed to get a snack from the shelf in the basement to add to it.  It was right at bedtime (even a bit later because of cubscouts tonight, and Jon is out of town for work, so I was ready for them to be in bed), and I was losing my patience as he made a big fuss about going downstairs in the dark to get it.  As he stood about half way down the stairs freaking out about going down, I found myself getting upset and yelling at him to just do it so we could go to bed.  And later tonight, I thought of how I should have just taken the minute to go down with him to the basement to reassure him that all was okay.  That would have probably taken less time than the time wasted getting upset as I tried to prod him to do it, and it would have shown more love and patience.  My mommy fail of the day (one of them at least!), but there is always tomorrow to try again.  And I was happy with my mommy success of spending all of yesterday afternoon focusing on and spending time with Grant.  Elise was napping and rather than letting him watch tv while I did something I needed or wanted to do--laundry, facebooking, etc., we worked on homework, played games, and read books.

I read a friend's blog post today that gave me a great perspective on parenting: here  and I was listening tonight to a Mormon channel webcast--Gospel Solutions for Families, "Keeping Your Sanity in a Home of Little Ones."  Both helped me realize--it's okay to have good days and bad days and that I can do hard things.  And if I love my children and try my best and rely on the Savior, then I'm doing okay.